#3 The girl I AM

It’s taken me quite some time to sit and write this next blog. I’ve sat with it every week but I just wasn’t feeling into it like I was the others. I had to bring myself back to the reason why I’m doing them to begin with- To help you guys see that I didn’t just wake up the person I am today. It’s taken me a lot of inner healing work, self love and discipline to gradually change my whole existence- how I live, how I think and how I speak to myself daily. It all starts with YOU. Your little milestones that you think don’t really matter- they MATTER MOST. Baby steps in your every day routine – they shape you into who you are. If you go through your days pretending, putting on a front and not speaking your truth, you aren’t going to be anywhere near your true authentic self and your life is going to be a lot of; “why me?”…. A lot of pain, repeated cycles, anxiety, depression and just a lot of not very nice feelings. 

So far, we’ve got to the point that I’ve been through two break ups. The first break up sent me WEST (West meaning off the rails). The second break up sent me to the place I’ve always wanted to be (at peace with myself).  

So now it’s June 2020. I just finished my first meditation course with my friend Grace (bluebellspirit.com). I threw myself into doing it because I wanted to go deeper into my spirituality and also just for the experience of trying something new! It was amazing – as expected! It helped me grow so much spiritually and to be aligned to myself and my true path. “Meditation is proven to help flourish our minds. It is such a beautiful technique. It is scientifically proven to improve our mental and physical wellbeing. Helping with stress, anxiety, depression, grief, chronic pain, disease and cancer. Studies have been carried out by Dr. Joe Dispenza showing results that consistent meditation practice increases life span.” Just a little piece from Graces website- there is much more info on there for anyone that is interested in this. 

14th June 2020, my friend Lydia gave me a gift, it was Rise Sister Rise book by Rebecca Campbell. I had no idea that this book was about to switch up my entire life and have me thinking about my whole existence and everyone before me. I started reading it straight away. I noticed since reading it I was journaling and expressing myself a lot more than usual. 17th June I had the maddest day at work, I just hated it and I was ready to leave. I was so confused about what I wanted to do but I knew being there was clouding my mind and I just had no energy to think about anything else once I left there, it was soul destroying. I got home and I was drained from thinking. I posted a story sharing my emotions and how heavy my head felt. I lay in bed and watched Sinead Hegarty’s story and she had posted a guided meditation on Youtube

“Find your life purpose” http://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=fJx1wRAWYFw

I was SHOOK that I had just happened to stumble on this. I did the meditation lay in bed and oh my gosh, I have never felt anything like that before, I felt a crazy connection to myself, my higher self. I seen my Nanna and I was just crying my eyes out but completely zoned out. I reached out to Sinead and spoke to her about how I felt, I had followed her for years and love everything about her and how she lives her life, she was definitely someone that inspired me and so straight away she told me to “burn the boats” when I told her I was unhappy in my job and felt lost. After this meditation something change in me, I wrote in my journal “LEAVE YOUR JOB, TRUST IN YOURSELF, TRUST IN THE UNIVERSE, FOLLOW YOUR HEART” and by 19th June I handed my notice in. You see how I was MEANT to do that meditation? It literally appeared in the time I needed it. I had no idea what I was going to do next but I trusted that it would come to me, the same way that the meditation video came to me and the same way the book had been given to me. I believe in MYSELF (my intuition), the UNIVERSE (the signs) and the power of all that is around me.

So now it’s July 2020, its my last week at my job, I posted one of my customised Tee’s on instagram for the first time and everyone went wild for it, my emotions are extremely high and I’ve started to speak to a new guy on instagram. I’ve got absolutely no expectations because I had only been single 4 months so I’m not really looking to take it THERE. But you know the universe has it’s way with us and takes us by fckin surprise. The universe sent me the guy that made me realise NOT ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME. He was the complete opposite to what I’d usually go for. I was experiencing him with my brand new eyes and my brand new soul. Everything felt crazy and things moved super quick. I didn’t post him all over my social media, nobody but my close people and his close people knew we were together because he wasn’t active on instagram and I didn’t want to do that again. So I’m literally flying so high right now- I’ve left my job, I started selling my customised clothing and I’m in a good relationship with someone that supports me and my mind. I was over whelmed with happiness and excitement.

As summer 2020 came to an end, September, covid restrictions are just so unpredictable and we thought life would be back to normal but it’s not. I was getting so wrapped up in a negative mind frame about Covid and conspiracies. I felt OFF. My energy was off, his energy was off. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, or with him. I lost motivation for myself, I was stressed about setting up my brand, I had a creative block, I had no routine working for myself, I wasn’t meditating or doing any self care, I just couldn’t figure out why I was so high and now so low. I felt TRAPPED, I couldn’t get out of my own head. I knew something wasn’t right. Both of our energy had been off now for weeks and things grew distant with us. We had both met each other at our best and now seeing each other at our worst, so quickly. When I’m feeling low, I’m needy, I need reassurance, physical love and affection, and when he’s low he needs space, distance and to isolate himself. So we are literally worlds apart right now and after really trying to support one another the best we could, we ended up going our separate ways.

See the thing with me is, I don’t get attached to many people but when you’re in my life I feel that connection so deeply and I know you’re in my life for a reason. I don’t believe in things just happening for no reason, there is always a reason, whether the outcome is good or bad. He taught me so much about myself and some things will stick with me forever. This relationship taught me that I wasn’t as healed as I thought I was and I really did need to be by myself. I was completely reborn, I had these new eyes and new mind and I got over excited and just leaped into it at full force. I still needed to learn about my new self and what she actually wanted. I hadn’t really had time to sit and think, we just connected so fast and then all of a sudden we felt worlds apart. 

October 2020 my 3rd break up. My 3rd awakening. Oh and a 2nd national lock down – fabulous!!!! 🙂But….awakenings usually come from our darkest, saddest moments and are the most beautiful yet painful things to ever happen to us. They force us to SIT WITH OURSELVES and really dig deep with our healing. Some of you may think, how much healing and awakening can one girl do?! But this is something I’ve learnt, it doesn’t ever STOP. We don’t just appear at our destination where we have everything we dreamed of. We have to do this part in between the high’s, where it grounds us back down and we figure out some more shit we failed to see beforehand. It’s the beauty in life. Forever learning, forever growing and forever evolving. Every time you fall or feel like you fail at something, you get right back up and go again, but with your new knowledge and this goes for everything in life – your relationships, business ventures, careers, anything! If you fail at it you get back up AND GO AGAIN. You don’t give up on yourself because you BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. You know that everything happens as it should and all of it is making you exactly who you need to be. You can’t half heartedly believe in yourself and the universe only when things are going good and everyone is clapping for you. You got to believe in yourself when you fall on your ass and when nobody claps for you… that’s where the real growth comes from. 

So what I’m saying is, I’ve had failed relationships, even when I’ve felt my best, but if something’s not meant to be you have got to let it go. Not everyone that comes into your life is meant to be forever. When you start to understand this, you’ll see life in a different way as I do now. Everyone is living this life on their own journey, everyone has healing to do, but not everyone will understand they need healing. We all cross paths to trigger something in one another, to help one another. Nothing is for no reason or by mistake. Everything and everyone has a purpose. It’s just about finding the LESSON/GIFT/WIN in the situations. It’s about opening our perspective of life. Let go of this idea of how we expected life to turn out, let go of trying to control it and let our lives flow effortlessly. Fall out of love and be ok with it, let go of things that make us feel like shit, cancel plans if we don’t feel like it, just be god damn honest with ourselves and what we want because those things will lead us to this path where we fall in love with every inch of ourselves and our lives.

I have found absolute solitude in my dark days, I just sit with them and I ask what it is its trying to teach me, what do you want from me? We slow down for a reason. So that we can recharge ourselves. So that we can feel demotivated from what we had planned to do. Instead of feeling frustrated with feeling like this, I sit with it, clear my mind (meditate/walk) and create a blank mind so that new ideas and thoughts can appear, this is how healing and break throughs happen. They can’t happen in the midst of me being busy or productive. December 2020 was a dark day for me, I couldn’t get out of bed and I was knee deep in my thoughts. I read through to the beginning of my journal from march 2020 and really felt the stuff I had wrote through my darkest times and just reminiscing on the girl I used to be. I had complete awareness now. This lead me to writing out my whole journey from beginning to now…. And I bet you can guess why I had to slow down in that moment in my life? To create these blogs. As soon as I wrote it out I knew I had to share my journey with you all, I had this magical feeling that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and I needed to speak my truth to help anyone that needed it in this dark time. I was demotivated from my brand because I needed my mind to be a blank canvas for these thoughts to rise. 

Do you see how life works? 

Do you believe in yourself yet?

Do you trust in the universe yet?

I hope you do. 

Life is as magical as YOU make it. 

Lets make 2021 a magical one. 

We’ve got this.

Big love! 

Sasha xxx

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