#2 The girl I'm becoming

It’s a New year, 2019. I was feeling much better in myself than ever before, I was growing as a person and just felt positive about life. I decided to begin the year by switching up my eating habits. I wanted to really push myself to see what difference it could have on me. I have always been able to eat what I want and stayed in shape so for me, it was never about how I looked, I wanted to see the difference it would have in how I felt. I decided to cut dairy and eat nothing but whole foods. I even decided I’d stop drinking alcohol too. When I told people I remember they laughed at me because I was known for being out every weekend “I’ll believe it when I see it” – which made me want to do it even more lol. I cooked my own prep meals which consisted of – chicken, salmon, veg, rice, sweet potato and just a lot of fruits and good fats. I did this for 3 months- consistently. I didn’t go out for THREE MONTHS from January- March. I felt the best I’d ever felt and my skin was glowing. This was when I really challenged myself and my discipline, it was after this that I knew how powerful fuelling your mind and body is, so although I’m not that strict anymore, I still make a conscious effort to be mindful of what I eat.  

So now at August 2019, I got speaking to someone new (on instagram). I had only ever been on 2 proper dates before. To be honest, I wasn’t a date sort of girl, my confidence wasn’t that great unless I’d have a drink so I would always avoid going on them. The thought of sitting down in front of someone I hardly knew and eating, scared me (I’m sure some of you can relate). So this new guy, I knew him already because we had spoken in the past and he was from Birmingham too. I was reluctant to go on a date with him because my words- “he looks like he would ruin my life”. I really wasn’t sure but I didn’t know if this was my fear and guard stopping me. Although I was an “insta girl” I never spoke to “insta guys”, I just always preferred a guy that could make me laugh and that would grow on me- I don’t know I just love when they have something about them?! Anyways, my sister was like “just go! You never go on dates!” And I was like you know what you’re right. So I just went for it. I shit myself to be honest. He was an “insta guy” but he was such a gentleman, he opened car doors for me, he made me feel so comfortable and I was no longer nervous. We were sat at the table and I had chewing gum in my mouth and I needed to get rid of it, he was like “give it to me ill go get rid of it”… he took my fckin chewing gum from my mouth and went and put it in the bin. I was like AS IF. So date night turned into the whole weekend with him and I just knew I was going to fall for him. Things moved super quick, we were literally together within the first few weeks, I was all the way with the fairies, I had never been treated like this before. I let him all the way in. I noticed I was comfortable again which always scared me because I know with comfortable you can lose yourself, which I never wanted to do ever again. There was little red flags from the beginning that I ignored because of all his “good points” but obviously, as time went on and I loved him more, these things were annoying the fck out of me. My gut did a whole lot of flipping… you know the ones where you feel like you just went over a bump in the car. Every damn day. The more I looked into things the more I’d see things I never liked (instagram). I was becoming toxic, I was checking stuff ALL of the time and I knew it was unhealthy. I hated this person I was becoming, I thought I had grown!? Why am I still acting like this?! We argued but I’d still find myself in the exact same arguments over and over. I was frustrated because I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I had posted him for everyone to see, I felt embarrassed (Ego again). The relationship appeared amazing but inside I felt confused and something was telling me it wasn’t right. He would disregard my feelings and tell me that the things I was bothered about wasn’t that deep. I felt like I shouldn’t care about the stuff I was insecure about. But those were my values and my morals, so I couldn’t understand him.

My skin went so bad around my mouth and nose, it was dermatitis, no matter how healthy I ate and how much I cut dairy out, it just wouldn’t go. As the months went on, I was becoming more anxious and stressed inside. I only felt peace when I was lay in bed with him. My vibe lowered and I felt disconnected from myself massively. I never told anyone close to me what was going on, I just kept it to myself. I remember driving to work one day in December 19 and I had took the wrong turning which lead me onto the most beautiful street with trees filled with orange leaves. I got this crazy feeling driving down there, like I had been there before (but I hadn’t) my whole body felt like it went through something crazy, I knew something happened to me in this moment and something changed. As a couple of months went on, I continued feeling the way I did and I felt myself getting further down the dark hole. I knew that it wasn’t HIM, it was ME allowing this. It was me ignoring my intuition, ignoring my own values and not loving myself enough AGAIN. SETTLING AGAIN!! 

March 2020, I went for a walk with my cousin Kylie, it was the first walk I’d been on in so fckin long…. I remember feeling so connected. I was looking around at the flowers, the sky and just realising how beautiful everything was again. I remember saying out loud to my her “I am so done” and told her everything after keeping it all in for so long. I was fully done with the relationship and fully done with MYSELF- myself as I was here. 

I was ready to step back in to the unknown. The next day we broke up, it was just days before the first lock down and I don’t know where I found the strength but I did. It was hard but I knew I was going to walk away and not look back. The first thing I did was deactivate my Instagram because I just wanted to go missing and find myself again. Our relationship had been exposed to everyone and I didn’t want to play a part in writing indirects about each other or checking his page religiously. I wasn’t interested in tormenting myself as I did in my last break up. I had already been THAT GIRL before, I was about to learn from my own mistakes….I was completely fixated on healing myself and becoming a better person. In that time I decided to eat better, walk more and it felt so good to be away from my phone and just be with my thoughts. I’d usually have been getting drunk to mask my emotions but I was taking this time to do this properly, I was not going to self destruct again (I have such a self destructive personality btw). I came back on instagram after a couple of weeks, I couldn’t hide forever. I still kept low and I didn’t shout about anything on there, even with hearing about indirects being aimed at me I kept my cool. I kept it positive and I kept growing. Don’t get me wrong some days I mooched and some days were harder than others where I cried a lot and didn’t eat much, I’m not saying I’m perfect but I handled this break up a hell of a lot better than my last one and for that I am proud of my damn self.

One day in April 20 I remember reposting something that was quite bitter and it was 100% aimed at him, a girl called Demia that followed me, replied to it and she wrote like 2 whole messages out, basically calling me up on it saying that it didn’t sound like me and that I was better than that. I remember at first I felt triggered reading it, I felt like is was belittling me, like I wanted to reply with a whole load of sarcasm and what TF did she know about me and my situation! But… after sitting with the messages reading over them, I was like, this girl is speaking sense!!! I found myself go from frowning to smiling. I deleted the post and I messaged her back to thank her for those messages. I was able to put my fckin ego aside and grow from that very small situation. She helped me to remember who the F I was! Me and Demia are now very good friends and I will never forget that lesson she taught me about myself! The feeling of growth that I felt after this situation happened was insane and this was the very start of my next awakening. I started to really dive into myself, call out my own bullshit and my own toxic traits I carried (passed through generations), I found myself constantly observing my thoughts and responses. After all, healing is painful and you got to go all the way INWARDS, even when it feels uncomfortable. Once I started I could not stop. The more I walked in nature and appreciated everything around me, the more I connected with myself on a deeper level and the more I connected with myself the more I wanted to go deeper. I got all this new energy inside me- yoga, meditating, reading…. I finally became obsessed with myself on a whole new level. This went way past what I looked like. I actually stopped giving a shit what I looked like. I started to look at my natural self in a different light. I finally felt beautiful in my skin. I could finally see my soul shining through. My true self. My higher self. She had been here all along but I just never knew how to nurture her. For so long I allowed my ego and my negative Nancy in my mind to rule my whole life. I finally know that I hold all the power.

And this was only the beginning. I was rising.

I can’t wait to share the rest of my journey with you guys.

Big love!

Sasha xxx

 

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