#1 The girl I used to be

Ok so, I'm 27 now. I haven't been through anything near what other people have been through, but I know so many people will relate so I wanted to try to explain the girl I used to be, to help you see that if I can change, so can you! Also these blogs are all about ME and my journey. I'm not throwing shade on anyone from my past, I am at peace with all of it.

I'm going to begin with June 2015. This was the year that me and my first boyfriend broke up, after being together from aged 16- 21. It's mad that I'm writing about this because when I think back to it, it means absolutely nothing to me now, but I guess I got to give him some credit, for helping me on this path. It was young love and my first love. I had imagined I would be with him forever, so it took me by surprise when I experienced being cheated on. I’m sure everyone knows what the pain of that feels like. I remember I was at work, I had this bad gut instinct, he had been away with the lads and was acting so strange when he got home, I was insecure myself so I was on his case before he even went away. I made a fake account as I had seen a random girls name and was weary about her... I did some digging, I found everything I needed to find, photos of them together, like they were together, which made my belly flip upside down. The adrenaline rushed from my head to my feet and I just felt numb. I got sent home from work, where he was asleep as he did nights. I can't really remember much as I just saw red but lets say I lost my shit x10. I punched, kicked, screamed and just went crazy. I remember his words clear as day "this isn't how I wanted it to end" - so he wanted it to end but not like this?!?! I remember it made me more mad. He lived at my house so I made him get out and I threw all his stuff on the front garden. I even cut some of the clothes up. When he had gone and I had processed everything and calmed down, I felt like I actually wanted to die, I could not see my life past this relationship.

I remember thinking HOW THE FCK am I going to be single? I hadn't been single since I was a teenager! We had spent 5 years together, we lived together, it was super intense. I remember one day in November 2015 I was in such a bad space, all of my family was just there and I wanted to be alone. I ran out of my house I didn't know where I was going but all of my family was coming after me. I literally just wanted to run away. I hated myself, my life and I wanted the pain to go away. In a short space of time, I lost 2 stone in weight, my self confidence, I lost myself on a whole and I turned to partying every weekend to mask my emotions and to get a confidence boost when being dolled up. Oh I got my boobs done too November 2015, mainly because I felt like shit after this break up. If I could go back, knowing what I know about myself now, I wouldn't have got them done. They never healed the pain. They just gave me a false sense of confidence, that I had no idea how to use whilst being wounded. Anyways- he moved on almost straight away within a couple of weeks and it wasn't the girl he had cheated on me with, it was a completely different girl.... again... you will all know what that feels like- I experienced every emotion possible! I was THAT girl! I compared myself to her, I was bitter, triggered, hateful, I watched them from fake accounts and I tormented myself for the longest time after the break up. I guess I didn't really know how to heal- I just pretended I didn’t care, I turned cold hearted and just went wild partying. So with being wild comes with people talking about you. Even my family were concerned about the girl I was turning into. I would party 2-3 times a week and never come home. I hated being at home, I had to be out with people, sometimes people I hardly knew but I didn't care. I guess I was just young too and that's what we do when were young- but I was always the wildest in the group, I never knew when to call it a night. I never used to be like that, before the heart break, I didn't know where that girl went. So now I was not only unhealed and still hurting from the break up, I was now feeling guilt, shame and basically like a piece of shit because everyone was talking about the girl I was turning into - I remember it used to get me so mad, that I was hurting and people were still judging ME for being hurt?! Why can lads do what they want and nobody talks about them?! I definitely become a feminist at this point too lol.

So with all of these worthless feelings it made me party even more to forget all of the shit I was feeling. A couple of years passed, still quite bitter about the situation (because I didn't know HOW to heal) I was still carrying toxic traits, I was getting involved with guys that I didn’t care about, just to fill my time. I thought I was "the woman" - I was cold hearted I didn’t care about men and I used to speak highly negative about them all. I thought by me having my guard up and being closed off from them, that would keep me safe from experiencing that pain again. "all men are the same!".

At this point, I had been working as a care assistant at a extra care facility home since I was 18. I had no idea what I wanted to do in life, I was just there for the sake of it to earn money. I had always felt lost. Everyone at school seemed like they knew what they wanted to do - college, university, careers. I didn’t have a fcking clue. I always felt there was something missing, like I wasn't normal? I didn't ever care about having a lot of money because I hadn't grew up around money or material things, so these things never interested me. I felt like everyone was chasing something but I wasn't and that used to stress me out that I had no goals, ambitions, nothing. Even up to 2 years ago (being 25), most are having babies, settling down, houses etc. Me? Still single, still partying, working at a job that didn’t fulfil me but not knowing what to do next. 2018 I had been at my job as a carer for 6 years, I was one of the youngest women that worked there but I was always a grafter, I always went above and beyond for the service users, I guess I had a natural passion for helping people since I was younger.

My manager had left and I was now senior carer however I pretty much did everything as the new manager hadn't a clue, I just always took the lead. 2018 the next manager left very soon after she started and everyone is looking at me to take the position, I absolutely shit myself. I didn't want to take the responsibility. I was already doing the work, but the thought of actually having the job title frightened me. I just didn't believe in myself. I was 25, I looked about 16 at work with no makeup on, who would take me seriously? I was always super quiet, shy and soft, I didn't have anything "boss" about me. I was afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, in a place I had already been working for so long! With the support from the other carers and my my manager, I ended up just going for it and taking the position. This was a massive step for me and this was where I noticed a change in me. I felt like just taking the step, I was rewarded for it. I grew more confident, self aware and just started to believe more in myself- all from stepping out of my comfort zone. This was where I started to begin my spiritual journey, August 2018.

So everything started to feel a little deeper for me and my eyes started to open to loving myself more and just being a better me. By this time, I was over my ex, after a few years of partying, self destruction and then re finding myself again. I felt like I wanted to meet someone but my guard was stopping me. I didn't believe that the type of guy I wanted even existed. I used to go to the same places, do the same things, so I always met the same type of guys- which I guess isn't a great deal of variety. I never got out of the same patterns, COMFORT ZONE again!! The more I practiced positive thinking (I started reading Kyle Gray- Raise your vibration), the better I felt and the more I started noticing numbers and signs and I become obsessed with the Moon. I remember it was a full moon and I had never really looked up into the sky before to take much notice of it. It never made me feel like this before, I know that for sure. I was just like, oh my god, I felt some kind of connection within myself. At this point I didn’t know much about spirituality, in fact I didn't know where to start with it. I feel like there is SO much to know and understand, I felt really over whelmed. Plus my friend (now good friend) Grace is super spiritual and I didn't understand half of the stuff she used to speak about, at the time I felt stupid and out of my depth. I believed in something. I was super drawn to the moon and to astrology too. I knew something was missing, but I had no idea it was going to be spirituality.

Which takes me onto my next blog.

Stay tuned.

Lots of love,

Sasha xxx

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